Do you enjoy suffering lonely as i do? A little phleborrhagia at early morning make your mood fine and shining for all your long and hard day. Sorry, my mood and my day, of course.
8.00 – 9.00 - heel-and-toe walk
09.00 – 22.00 - 13-hour work day is known to include humiliation, hopelessness and angst in proportion
22.00 – 23.00 - heel-and-toe walk
23.15 – 00.15 – a family quarrel
01.15 – 07.00 – nightmares
07.03 – 07.06 – light breakfast
07.30 – 8.00 – water current listening
8.30 – 10.00 – donating blood with moderate lie about current physical health parameters. Fortunately, they don’t mind mental at all.
10.00 – 11.00 - heel-and-toe walk in extreme conditions of absolute sleet
11.00 – 16.00 – EM fixation with its predictable 1. constant attention demanding, 2. dreaming about sterile gloves by size, 3. cancerogenic fumes and toxic contacts
17.00 – 19.00 – urgent business deals, waiting for instructions, struggling with sleep, felling cold and out of reality
19.00 – 23.00 – instructions appear to bee too confused and chaotic to wait for them. Texting in moderate panic from one corner to another. Time trouble. Deadline. As always.
23.10 – 00.05 - heel-and-toe walk
00.10 – 0.45 - a family quarrel
01.30 – 07.00 – nightmares
07.03 – 07.06 – light breakfast
07.30 – 08.30 - heel-and-toe walk
09.00 – 17.20 – information analysis, painful logical errors, fatigue, irritation, self-scorn. Naked chemic burn. Self-hatred.
17.30 – 19.00 – younger colleagues training
19.30 – 20.15 - heel-and-toe walk
20.45 – 21.00 – dinner
21.00 – 01.30 – minor administrative matters
02.00 – 07.00 – heavy realistic disturbed dreams
07.03 – 07.06 – light breakfast
07.30 – 08.30 - heel-and-toe walk
9.00 – 21.00 – cutting manually and automatically, electric light, blood drops on the dirty floor, cleanup, advises. Close closed closet. Keep calm and bandage the wound with tape. My work is my obsession. My fetish. My religion. Etc. I do know it to be unreciprocated passion.
21.00 – 22.00 – radioactive communication and minor, fuck them all, administrative matters
22.00 – 23.00 - heel-and-toe walk
00.30 – 08.00 – falling down mentally, nothing special
08.00 – 08.03 – light breakfast
08.30 – 11.30 – getting to the suburb
11.30 – 15.00 – blood stains on the handle lock, listening tears are falling on the floor. The darkness. Sitting hunched and thinking about primitive sacrificing, all this rituals with virgin blood and tears. It seems to me, i’ve found the reason of that tradition is gone – it’s absolutely useless. It takes time, efforts and injures, and what should i describe as a result? Nothing.
16.00 – 18.30 – observing quietly developing chilblain of the feet. I was planning to characterize it as a despair, but probably depression would be more suitable.
And all it’s fine, and all it’s normal, i know. Neurohumoral differences between happy and unrequited love are insignificant, especially if you want your work to be your valentine, what ever could you dream about? Do you suppose the cruelty to be worse then the indifference? You know, i’ve used “you” as a rhetoric technique whilst talking about myself. There is no higher intelligence to blame and ask for a piece of good luck. No one to talk to, actually.
Dozens of cuts on the fingers tips are burnt by picric acid. Where are you, my desirable death? May i ask you to hurry up? I’m waiting for you.